Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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