I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
