you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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