I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
