I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Is it because I queefed?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
