Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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