why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
