She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
