it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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