I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
