i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
