My nipple is on Facebook.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
