a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
