He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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