Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
