She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
