I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
