Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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