I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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