Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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