Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
