Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
