I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
