well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Randomize
