I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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