My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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