Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
