Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
