I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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