So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
