You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
