just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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