Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
