i just sent this text using only my big toe
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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