...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
