I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
