so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I believe in your delicious
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