Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
