I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize