Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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