I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize