I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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