I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize