In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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