umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Also, beer. Big fan.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
