and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
