how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Pooping to opera.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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