i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
