Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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