I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
