I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
