I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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