I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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