Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
