I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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