I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
