nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
