Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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