Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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