Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We had to coat check the pizza.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
