Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
