god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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